everything doesnt seems so right for 2 days.. and accumulative

i dont know how to put it.

training was pissed and sad.
pissed with the stupid drills and sad for the game i had after the whole training. i am really sad. and i really mean it this time. i had never felt so lost before. i never felt so lousy before. i had never been blamed before. it wasnt good. it wont be. i was so lost playing a qian feng. i didnt know what to do. they dont seem to understand. i felt like giving up. but i cant. cos i know coach has been giving me support. i felt like giving up basketball and stackers. but i really cant because of coach and the friends there like shi min flo huiling jia qian sumei. i cant bear to. it's the first time i felt this way. i felt so ashamed of myself. i felt that i shouldn't wear my np jacket with bball behind cos i aint fit to. i wanted to stop bball a long time ago bcos of my knee. but because of frens and gaolao treating us so nice, i felt that i shouldnt give up on myself. but this time it's really ...

school aint great either. so many projs and tests. friends whom i tot used to be close and fun tgt arent there anymore. i think the problem lies with me again. they are frens whom i used to think that we will last forever. but it doesnt seems to be now. frens whom i cherished.

ytd the talk on the phone. i felt damn lousy even though i sounded alright. i dont know everything bout u. but u seem to know so much about me. i'm so not sensitive enough to take notice about it. i felt so useless.
and sorry, i didnt mean to say that. i didnt know u dont like it.

while on my way home.. tears just gushed out. i couldnt control. it's the first time. i controlled my tears in the train. but i cant help it anymore. and to come and think what really do i have.. sorry to say it, i somehow feel that i really do only have my parents. what i wanted most is a really big hug from mummy. but i dont want her to know that i'm sad. i felt even more alone when there's so many ppl around me. what i need is a shoulder. i cant take it anymore. i broke down. i'm nt as strong and happy as what u guys seems to see. i hide myself. at some point of time, i really wanted to cut myself like i used to do. but i cant cos i promised someone. i felt like smoking, but i know that aint gonna help me. i need something to release the stress in me. somehow i wished a car could just knock me unconscious and everything out of me so that i can choose what to rmb. and to think how much i failed as a fren to others. i am never a good listener, i am never a good talker, i am never a good friend.

who really understands me... no one i guess.

people take what i said like it's a joke

i'm better off alone like i always do